OTMS Syndrome
As of today, the Illinois "Mega Millions" lottery is $145,000,000. That's a lot of money, and I can appreciate one's willingness to want to purchase a lottery ticket, in hopes of cashing in on even a small portion of the total. Sure, the statistical chances of winning a state-wide lottery are minimal at best, and the government is sure to rape the winner for a good 30-50%, but I can still, with a little imagination, understand a person's quest, even their seeming necessity, to drop a fair amount of coin into some lottery tickets.
That being said, I've never seen a person, so unwittingly, painstakingly, and detrimentally drop an amount of "coin" into lottery tickets as I did tonight. Perhaps it's the engineer in me, or just my general demeanor of striving to get things done quickly and efficiently, but in one simple and drawn-out act, I was forced to rethink a significant number of notions on which I had come to rely.
The act which I'm about to speak, by an unknown and surprisingly small individual, was really a combination of two things that consistently defy reason. These two things are really only a few symptoms of a much more complicated, widespread, and contagious syndrome, which I will coin as 'OTMS' syndrome; Oblivious To My Surroundings syndrome. Other common names for this syndrome are No Fucking Idea What I'm Doing syndrome, Why Is Everyone Looking At Me syndrome, and the somewhat recursive and misused Holy Shit, I Totally Missed That Red Light... Let Me Call You Back syndrome (misused because it's both a slang name for the syndrome and a symptom of the syndrome.) I will discuss these two symptoms below.
Symptom #1: Mis-preperation of monetary funds
This is the repeatable, yet always unforeseen, ability of a given person to act surprised when a cashier, teller machine, clerk, or any receiving entity, asks for compensation after a given transaction has taken place. In simpler terms, it's the person at the grocery store that acts surprised when the cashier tell him or her the final amount, and reacts by digging for a checkbook, asking for the current date, painfully signing his or her name, following with gem comments such as "who do I write the check to" and "how do I spell that?" It's quite obvious that this is a staggeringly obvious and representative symptom of OTMS. Note that this symptom isn't limited to check writing. It can quite often be seen in its alternative modes, such as neglecting to "slide card at any time" despite being obviously instructed to do so, or in it's somewhat rarer but more interesting rendition, "I really want to get rid of some change." The latter is a sister-symptom to the much more disturbing symptom I witnessed tonight, which I will explain later, but not before a little more background.
Symptom #2: Surprise and disillusionment at the dismay of others without remorse
Generally a follow-up to the first symptom, this is the momentary ability of a given individual to look both abruptly alerted and enlightened to the fact that they recently were involved, either partially or solely, in an incidence of OTMS. This momentary glimpse into the obvious is followed by a period of non-remorse, although usually very brief. Again, in simpler terms, after symptom #1 has taken place, the person becomes very surprised and taken back by all of the others who are patiently, often pensively ("pensive", meaning "possibly plotting a way to bludgeon said person with a bag of still-waiting-to-be-purchased melting ice"), waiting. After this quick glimpse into the known, the obvious, the sane... he or she usually recovers with a genuine smile, and a complete lack or remorse. The person then leaves the scene of the incident, leaving everyone else in dismay, and an absolute and universal belief that this person suffers from OTMS.
These are only two symptoms of OTMS, but they give significant background to understanding the events that took place before me tonight. Now, after proper preparation, I offer the shortened transcript:
- Man purchases 20 lottery tickets.
- Man pays for 20 lottery tickets with change.
- Man doesn't add up change to pay for 20 times the cost of one lottery ticket, but rather creates 20 piles of change, each perfectly matched against the price of one lottery ticket, only to fall short on the last pile, argue with the cashier about the shortage, and resort to using some of the readily available cash in his pocket.
- Man turns around and acts surprised to see 8 people waiting in line to pay for gas, soda, melting bags of ice, chance to lash out, etc.
- Man smiles and walks away, having no idea the torment he caused one particular line member who only wanted a cold gin and tonic on a hot day.
- The amount of torment caused to others is still unknown.
The really depressing thing, the part that I'm struggling with, is that this guy, this textbook OTMS survivor, is now over 20 times as likely to win the $145,000,000, and I'm left with a watery gin and tonic. My only hope is that someday this guy tries to purchase a firearm with piles of change from a highly stressed an inpatient individual.
That being said, I've never seen a person, so unwittingly, painstakingly, and detrimentally drop an amount of "coin" into lottery tickets as I did tonight. Perhaps it's the engineer in me, or just my general demeanor of striving to get things done quickly and efficiently, but in one simple and drawn-out act, I was forced to rethink a significant number of notions on which I had come to rely.
The act which I'm about to speak, by an unknown and surprisingly small individual, was really a combination of two things that consistently defy reason. These two things are really only a few symptoms of a much more complicated, widespread, and contagious syndrome, which I will coin as 'OTMS' syndrome; Oblivious To My Surroundings syndrome. Other common names for this syndrome are No Fucking Idea What I'm Doing syndrome, Why Is Everyone Looking At Me syndrome, and the somewhat recursive and misused Holy Shit, I Totally Missed That Red Light... Let Me Call You Back syndrome (misused because it's both a slang name for the syndrome and a symptom of the syndrome.) I will discuss these two symptoms below.
Symptom #1: Mis-preperation of monetary funds
This is the repeatable, yet always unforeseen, ability of a given person to act surprised when a cashier, teller machine, clerk, or any receiving entity, asks for compensation after a given transaction has taken place. In simpler terms, it's the person at the grocery store that acts surprised when the cashier tell him or her the final amount, and reacts by digging for a checkbook, asking for the current date, painfully signing his or her name, following with gem comments such as "who do I write the check to" and "how do I spell that?" It's quite obvious that this is a staggeringly obvious and representative symptom of OTMS. Note that this symptom isn't limited to check writing. It can quite often be seen in its alternative modes, such as neglecting to "slide card at any time" despite being obviously instructed to do so, or in it's somewhat rarer but more interesting rendition, "I really want to get rid of some change." The latter is a sister-symptom to the much more disturbing symptom I witnessed tonight, which I will explain later, but not before a little more background.
Symptom #2: Surprise and disillusionment at the dismay of others without remorse
Generally a follow-up to the first symptom, this is the momentary ability of a given individual to look both abruptly alerted and enlightened to the fact that they recently were involved, either partially or solely, in an incidence of OTMS. This momentary glimpse into the obvious is followed by a period of non-remorse, although usually very brief. Again, in simpler terms, after symptom #1 has taken place, the person becomes very surprised and taken back by all of the others who are patiently, often pensively ("pensive", meaning "possibly plotting a way to bludgeon said person with a bag of still-waiting-to-be-purchased melting ice"), waiting. After this quick glimpse into the known, the obvious, the sane... he or she usually recovers with a genuine smile, and a complete lack or remorse. The person then leaves the scene of the incident, leaving everyone else in dismay, and an absolute and universal belief that this person suffers from OTMS.
These are only two symptoms of OTMS, but they give significant background to understanding the events that took place before me tonight. Now, after proper preparation, I offer the shortened transcript:
- Man purchases 20 lottery tickets.
- Man pays for 20 lottery tickets with change.
- Man doesn't add up change to pay for 20 times the cost of one lottery ticket, but rather creates 20 piles of change, each perfectly matched against the price of one lottery ticket, only to fall short on the last pile, argue with the cashier about the shortage, and resort to using some of the readily available cash in his pocket.
- Man turns around and acts surprised to see 8 people waiting in line to pay for gas, soda, melting bags of ice, chance to lash out, etc.
- Man smiles and walks away, having no idea the torment he caused one particular line member who only wanted a cold gin and tonic on a hot day.
- The amount of torment caused to others is still unknown.
The really depressing thing, the part that I'm struggling with, is that this guy, this textbook OTMS survivor, is now over 20 times as likely to win the $145,000,000, and I'm left with a watery gin and tonic. My only hope is that someday this guy tries to purchase a firearm with piles of change from a highly stressed an inpatient individual.
posted by Christopher C. Weis at
9:20 PM
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